I hope this blog post finds you well

Step 1

Make sure you order the generic brands. Name brand drugs are too memorable. Miraplex, Lexapro. Those are easy to remember. Corporate names. You need to get Promexapol. You need to get Askillogram. You need to get words that even your premium AI voice transcription service can't decipher.

Step 2

Order from Amazon Pharmacy. Yes, Amazon is evil. But man, is their pharmacy good. You don't have to stand in line. You don't have to abide by the ridiculous hours of the local pharmacy. Who goes to the grocery store after 9 a.m.? That's insane. You have to go between 6 and 7. Everyone knows this. But the pharmacies do not abide by these rules. And they should be punished for it. Enter Amazon. Where I live, right now we're in the middle of a tropical storm. Roads are flooded. Schools are closed. Trees are falling down. But I still got my meds today. I guess exploitative capitalism works, once in a while.

Step 3

Keep your pills in a drawer. Duffy likes it when you open the drawer because he gets to rub his face on it. So you have to open the drawer for him when you take your pills in the morning and in the evening. Do not keep your pills in the medicine cabinet. Duffy can't jump up on the counter because of his leg surgeries, so he can't rub his face on the medicine cabinet. To open the medicine cabinet is to taunt Duffy with his own infirmity. That's mean. So keep them in a drawer, which means you can't read the side of the label. Which wouldn't help anyway, because see Step 1.

Step 4

Get silly with it. Come up with goofy euphemisms for your ailments. Do you have major depressive disorder? Then that's the SADS. Do you have tremors? Those are the SHAKES. Do you have a neurological disorder that causes rigidity in one side of your body? That's the STIFFS. Alliteration makes it even more fun. We're having a good time. We're laughing. Then you write those words on the top of your pill bottles. So instead of saying, “Oh, I have to take my escilitogram because I can't cope with the stress of my existence,” you say, “Oh, time to take my pill for the SADS.” It's fun. You get a chuckle to yourself instead of thinking about how your drugs only mask the symptoms and really your body and mind are still deteriorating with no hope of ever getting better.

Step 5

When traveling, just take all your pills and dump them in one bottle. You'll figure it out. Just try to guess which is the pill you're supposed to take once a day that keeps you up all night and which is the pill you're supposed to take three times a day that makes you dizzy if you don't take it with food. Take it with food. You're on vacation. You're diseased. Who cares? Have fun. Get the cup at Disney that lets you refill your soda and just drink soda. Enjoy life while you still can. As long as you take the right number of pills, The meds will work themselves out eventually.