I bought a Mickey Brownie at lunch. I chose the brownie because I wanted something I could take with me, rather than a Mickey ice cream bar which would have melted on the way back. I really wanted a Mickey ice cream sandwich or the Mickey  ice cream Klondike bar type thing on a stick. But I got the brownie. And let me tell you, it wasn’t much of a brownie.

The presentation is nice. It looks like the iconic Mickey face. It’s got enticing sprinkles, making me think it’s going to be like a Cosmic Brownie. I’m a huge fan of the Cosmic Brownie, as we all should be. The Cosmic Brownie is a great treat. Now, I know Cosmic Brownies, I’ve eaten Cosmic Brownies, I own a Fuddrucker’s with Cosmic Brownies. And this, sir, is no Cosmic Brownie.

The brownie itself is aggressively bland. Soft, but not necessarily moist, even though it was warm when I got it. The taste is nothing fancy. Nothing particularly amazing about it. I’m not  the baker that I once was, but I’m pretty sure I could make a brownie that tastes just as good as this.

And then the sprinkles. The sprinkles were infuriating. Completely flavorless. I guess they add a little bit of texture, but every time you crunch a sprinkle and it has no taste at all, no flavor whatsoever, it makes you wonder, why? Why are there even sprinkles here? Why tempt me with the crunch of a sprinkle without the flavor of a sprinkle? I want candy on my brownie. Candy on my brownie, damn it! Instead, nothing. Empty. Devoid of flavor. A disappointment all around. If Mickey Mouse were alive today, he’d drop dead when he found out his image was being stamped on something this uniconic.

On a scale of one to five tiny heads of Guy Fieri, I give the Mickey Brownie one tiny head of Guy Fieri, purely for presentation. It’s a good-looking brownie. Very Instagramable. But I am too ugly for Instagram. (I have the type of Instagram where my mom is always the first to like every photo.) I just want a brownie that tastes good.